How I Met Lois

As I began to realize that I needed to talk to someone about this bingeing issue outside of my home, I called a nutritionist/social acquaintance that I had met with a couple of years ago. Her name is Diane.

Diane is the first person who ever suggested to me that I had a disordered view of eating.  Up to that point I always assumed that since I was overweight I just liked food more than the average person and therefore, that explained the large quantities of food I consumed on a regular basis.  Apparently that is not that case. 

Anyways,  she recommended Lois to me.  She said that Lois is her go-to person for her eating disorder clients and that she is awesome.  Before I could chicken out I called Lois and set up an appointment.

We had our first meeting a couple weeks ago and I was absolutely petrified on her drive to her office.  Would she think I was crazy?  Would she just she me as some fat girl who needed to put down the cheeseburger and get a grip?

Thankfully she was neither of those.  She was wonderful and calm and acted as if I was not broken beyond repair.  She offered me neither false hope of an easy road nor made it seem as if I was so far gone that there no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not naive enough to believe that there is not a long and rocky road ahead of me, but I am feeling a sense of hope that has not existed in a very long time for some peace in my mind and heart and that is good enough for now.

The Corsage.

One of the things I am beginning to realize about my life as a food addict is that much of it is lived in a fog.  Everything is about the food.  When can I have more.  What can I have.  What can't I have.  Will people notice me eating.  Will someone see me sneaking food.  Did someone see me at that drive thru.  And all that time and energy doesn't leave much time for other stuff. 

Like friends. 

Or family. 

Which brings me to today.

Today is the annual father daughter dance at my daughter's school.  And because I am not in a food induced stupor/depression, I was clear enough earlier this week to call a family friend who owns a local florist and ask her to make a corsage for my husband to give my little girl tonight. 

I stopped by her house this morning to pick it up and when I looked at it, I sat in my car, in her driveway and broke down in tears.

Sobbing.

From the sparkly ribbon with the rhinestones, to the shiny slap bracelet, to the glittery flowers, this corsage screams my daughter's name at every turn.  I was overcome by so many emotions and thoughts.

Such as:

How ridiculously blessed we are to have friends who know and love my daughter like this woman.

How spunky and full of life my sweet girl is and how I never want to miss that in light of her weight.

How the food fog usually keeps me from thinking of things like special flowers for school dances.

How I want to be present for my life, not watching from the sidelines with a snack in my hands.

They may just look like flowers, but today they were so much more.

My life with Ed.

I have met the most amazing lady.  Her name is Lois.  And she introduced me to Ed.  He is not amazing.  He sucks to tell you the truth. 

Let's back up though. 

Little things have been leading me to face the fact that I am not only someone who eats a lot.  I binge.  More specifcally, I am a binge eater.  I have binge eating disorder.  And for the first time in my life I feel like there is hope for recovery. 

This looks different than losing weight.

This looks different than being strong.

This looks different than dieting.

This looks like recovery.

This looks like honesty with myself and others.

This looks scary.

This looks like hope.

This is the beginning of looking at my life with Ed.  With the help of Lois, my new counselor.

Daily me.

In an attempt to be more faithful and to celebrate the little things, here is a pic of me from yesterday.  Please excuse the messy bathroom.

I was headed to my daughter's school where she received an award for character. I have to remind myself often that even though I wish she weighed less that she is an amazing kid.  Even if she were to stay this way her whole life, my hope would be that she would love herself and not let her weight keep her from experiencing life (like her mom). 

I rarely dress in anything other than jeans and a top, but I also know that when I feel better about myself, my eating is not as destructive.  Likewise, the more my self-care goes downhill, so do my food choices.  So, I'm dedicated to making more of an effort and convincing myself that I am worth it.  Still in a fake it 'til you make it mode, but anything is progress. 

Where I am today.....

Where I am currently.  Truthfully, I am currently all over the board.  But kinda in a good way.  For the first time in my life, I am slowly working on taking a good long look at the "why" of my eating issues rather than just being worried about the number on the scale.

As a family, we are going through the Trim Kids eating plan again.  The weight started at 270.3 on January 2nd and is slowly, slowly heading downward.  The best news is that I am 6 days binge free.  But more than that, thanks to these things called blogs, for the first time ever, I am starting to feel not alone. 

I have been reading multiple posts written by binge eaters and have seen myself in their words so clearly.  I could have written these things.  That is my life.  There is more to it, but that is for another post and more thoughts. 

On a final note of my current state, I have attended a couple of Overeaters Anonymous meetings.  A good friend of mine has made amazing progress emotionally and physically in the last year and seeing the change in her, not in her weight, but in HER drew me to go and check it out.  I am currently keeping an open mind and still kind of in the checking it out phase. 

All I know is I can not live like this.  This can not be my life.  Period.

Screams in the Silence

That silence that has existed since I last blogged?  That's not silence at all.  It's screaming actually.  It's the sound of failure.  Not just falling off the wagon, but jumping off.  With both feet.

The last two months have looked like this: eat, eat, binge, binge, eat, eat, eat, binge, eat, binge. 

Like crazy amounts of eating.  I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that is spiraling out of control and I just want to grab onto something steady and it's not happening.  The ability to regain control is just out of grasp. 

But it needs to stop.  The scale said 261.9 this morning.  So instead of my Christmas present to myself being a weight in the 220's which I was well on the way to accomplishing, I'm committed to seeing 25-something on Christmas morning.  That will have to be success for now.

Grrr......

Trusting the plan....

This week has been sort of a strange one.  As the sidebar shows, my weight is continuing to decline. (Yippee!)  I am starting to really notice the change and others are starting to see it as well. 

But then came this week.  I weighed Saturday and was super excited.  Then, throughout the last few days, my weight had gone up about 2.5 pounds.  It threw me for a loop because honestly, I'm tracking every bite of food.  I rarely go over my daily points and have used few weekly points also.  My mind kind of started to freak out. 

My first instinct?  "Screw it.  I'm eating."  Thankfully, I didn't follow my first instinct.  Instead, I have repeated the mantra "Trust the plan.  Trust the plan."  to myself A LOT.  I was able to hold my self-destructive habits at bay and trust the fact that if my points were in line, that eventually the scale would right itself and everything would be fine. 

And wouldn't you know it?  This morning, my weight was back where I started at last Saturday.  So, while this probably won't be a stellar number weight loss for the week, I survived the chaos and did not binge or completely self-destruct.

I'm now 76 days binge-free!  100, here I come!!!