How I Met Lois

As I began to realize that I needed to talk to someone about this bingeing issue outside of my home, I called a nutritionist/social acquaintance that I had met with a couple of years ago. Her name is Diane.

Diane is the first person who ever suggested to me that I had a disordered view of eating.  Up to that point I always assumed that since I was overweight I just liked food more than the average person and therefore, that explained the large quantities of food I consumed on a regular basis.  Apparently that is not that case. 

Anyways,  she recommended Lois to me.  She said that Lois is her go-to person for her eating disorder clients and that she is awesome.  Before I could chicken out I called Lois and set up an appointment.

We had our first meeting a couple weeks ago and I was absolutely petrified on her drive to her office.  Would she think I was crazy?  Would she just she me as some fat girl who needed to put down the cheeseburger and get a grip?

Thankfully she was neither of those.  She was wonderful and calm and acted as if I was not broken beyond repair.  She offered me neither false hope of an easy road nor made it seem as if I was so far gone that there no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not naive enough to believe that there is not a long and rocky road ahead of me, but I am feeling a sense of hope that has not existed in a very long time for some peace in my mind and heart and that is good enough for now.

The Corsage.

One of the things I am beginning to realize about my life as a food addict is that much of it is lived in a fog.  Everything is about the food.  When can I have more.  What can I have.  What can't I have.  Will people notice me eating.  Will someone see me sneaking food.  Did someone see me at that drive thru.  And all that time and energy doesn't leave much time for other stuff. 

Like friends. 

Or family. 

Which brings me to today.

Today is the annual father daughter dance at my daughter's school.  And because I am not in a food induced stupor/depression, I was clear enough earlier this week to call a family friend who owns a local florist and ask her to make a corsage for my husband to give my little girl tonight. 

I stopped by her house this morning to pick it up and when I looked at it, I sat in my car, in her driveway and broke down in tears.

Sobbing.

From the sparkly ribbon with the rhinestones, to the shiny slap bracelet, to the glittery flowers, this corsage screams my daughter's name at every turn.  I was overcome by so many emotions and thoughts.

Such as:

How ridiculously blessed we are to have friends who know and love my daughter like this woman.

How spunky and full of life my sweet girl is and how I never want to miss that in light of her weight.

How the food fog usually keeps me from thinking of things like special flowers for school dances.

How I want to be present for my life, not watching from the sidelines with a snack in my hands.

They may just look like flowers, but today they were so much more.