My life with Ed.

I have met the most amazing lady.  Her name is Lois.  And she introduced me to Ed.  He is not amazing.  He sucks to tell you the truth. 

Let's back up though. 

Little things have been leading me to face the fact that I am not only someone who eats a lot.  I binge.  More specifcally, I am a binge eater.  I have binge eating disorder.  And for the first time in my life I feel like there is hope for recovery. 

This looks different than losing weight.

This looks different than being strong.

This looks different than dieting.

This looks like recovery.

This looks like honesty with myself and others.

This looks scary.

This looks like hope.

This is the beginning of looking at my life with Ed.  With the help of Lois, my new counselor.

Daily me.

In an attempt to be more faithful and to celebrate the little things, here is a pic of me from yesterday.  Please excuse the messy bathroom.

I was headed to my daughter's school where she received an award for character. I have to remind myself often that even though I wish she weighed less that she is an amazing kid.  Even if she were to stay this way her whole life, my hope would be that she would love herself and not let her weight keep her from experiencing life (like her mom). 

I rarely dress in anything other than jeans and a top, but I also know that when I feel better about myself, my eating is not as destructive.  Likewise, the more my self-care goes downhill, so do my food choices.  So, I'm dedicated to making more of an effort and convincing myself that I am worth it.  Still in a fake it 'til you make it mode, but anything is progress. 

Where I am today.....

Where I am currently.  Truthfully, I am currently all over the board.  But kinda in a good way.  For the first time in my life, I am slowly working on taking a good long look at the "why" of my eating issues rather than just being worried about the number on the scale.

As a family, we are going through the Trim Kids eating plan again.  The weight started at 270.3 on January 2nd and is slowly, slowly heading downward.  The best news is that I am 6 days binge free.  But more than that, thanks to these things called blogs, for the first time ever, I am starting to feel not alone. 

I have been reading multiple posts written by binge eaters and have seen myself in their words so clearly.  I could have written these things.  That is my life.  There is more to it, but that is for another post and more thoughts. 

On a final note of my current state, I have attended a couple of Overeaters Anonymous meetings.  A good friend of mine has made amazing progress emotionally and physically in the last year and seeing the change in her, not in her weight, but in HER drew me to go and check it out.  I am currently keeping an open mind and still kind of in the checking it out phase. 

All I know is I can not live like this.  This can not be my life.  Period.